When I was 11 my best friend told me to never speak to him again, because being seen with me would look bad to his friends.
When I was 12 my sister told me she wished she was an only child, she was 4 years old.
When I was 13 my mother called me a “bitch” and put a hole through my door because I spilled orange juice on the kitchen tile.
When I was 14 my best friend told me he was in love with me, and put a gun to his head, pulling the trigger.
When I was 15 I dated a boy who told me that if I didn’t send him naked pictures of myself, he would punish me by sending pictures of my nude body to my mother, my father, and my whole school.
When I was 16 I dated a boy that put his hands around my throat and said that I “wouldn’t know love if it was wrapped around [my] neck.” That same boy shoved a needle full of heroin in my carotid artery and said, “I love you.”
When I was 17 I dated a boy that told me I neglected him because I called him when I wanted to kill myself. That same boy said he’d never leave me and left the next day.
So I’m sorry, that I don’t know how to show people love. I’m sorry that I get flaky and over emotional. I’m sorry that I could text you every day for a week, but never again for a month. And I’m sorry, that I don’t believe you when you say you love me. But it is not my fucking fault.”
1. I met a boy that tasted like blueberries during the summer of 2011. He taught me how to kiss and where to put my hands, and I was young, and maybe a little stupid and a tiny bit too trusting, but I felt everything.
2. I met a boy that tasted like cigarettes during the summer of 2012. He taught me how to inhale twice- once for the smoke, and the other for the head rush, and I was young, and maybe a little desperate and a tiny bit too lonely, but I felt everything.
3. I met a boy that tasted like gin during the summer of 2013. He taught me how to paint with watercolour and the art of avoiding a hangover, and I was young, and maybe a little empty and a tiny bit too sad, but I felt everything.
4. I met a boy that tasted like blood during the summer of 2014. He taught me how to kiss and where to put my hands, and how to smoke & paint with watercolour & the art of avoiding a hangover, & I was suddenly old and a lot bit heartbroken, and I couldn’t feel anything at all.”